A bedtime story about Manchester United for my imaginary / future kids
Once up on a time
Once upon a time, well not so far away in the past, 2003 to be precise a King (sic) based in a foreign land (USA) named Malcom Glazer decided to buy a small stake (2.9%) in Manchester United from the land of England. Thus started the rise of a man and a family destined to destroy the very soul of the club. In two years time the Royal Family of the Glazers blitzed through the Land (shares) owned by others and started acquiring them with a view of owning the Kingdom in the future.
First Lord McManus then Lord Magnier surrendered their arms and with Lord Harry Dobson too finally succumbing to the master plan of the Glazers the takeover of the Kingdom was nearly over. Naturally the King then decided to break away from the Ministry of London Stock Exchange followed by the compulsory 2% land buyout of all remaining subjects. Thus the bloodless coup was achieved.
The King is dead long live the King
During the above mentioned time the good people of Manchester and indeed around the country and the world protested the perceived hostile takeover by a foreign king. Why? you might ask, I mean if the King is wealthy and wise and can rule the kingdom better than the previous ruler, surely its good news, right? Well no, the foreign King was smart but certainly not wise and not wealthy.
The good people of Manchester realized this very early and therefore were up in arms against the Glazers. Glazers bought arguably the biggest Kingdom in the world without paying for it from their own pockets (now you know why I said smart). The world had moved towards ‘buy now pay latter’ mentality and King Glazer too followed the path well trodden. The King didn’t take into account that the common man around the world regretted that mentality because they ended up paying interest on the loan, huge interest.
The King too had fallen in the pay more interest than earning trap. As all good Kings do the Glazers taxed their subjects. The prices of basic essentials (tickets) and allied costs started rising, new Gladiators and Soldiers (players) were not attracted because the King could not afford their wages. But the smart King had plans to tackle the interest so the King did what the King does best, took more loans in simple terms to service more loans. The Kings children being royals themselves helped themselves to a slice of the pie. But like the good King they didn’t take a loan from those loan sharks, no sir, that just wont do, they took a loan from the Royal Treasury (the club). But the good people that they are they repaid it, well by taking a dividend from the royal treasury.
The Knights of the Kingdom
Every rule of tyranny brings with it an uprising. Well this uprising started even before the takeover by the King. An uprising named Love United Hate Glazers existed at the time of the takeover and grew in strength during the time of the rule. The subjects could not bear to see their beloved kingdom being run by a King who didn’t bother to visit the kingdom, who also didn’t make any valid assurances that the Kingdom would be debt free soon and who thought it was a royal right to steal from the kingdom and its people.
A bunch of knights in Red Armour planned to come together to win the kingdom. These Knights were supported in their quest by the good people of the movement (MUST) who had always hoped for freedom from the dictatorship of the King. A cloud of hope developed in the sky only to be swiftly vaporized by the King who decided the value of the kingdom was twice its weight in gold. It didn’t make sense did it since the King had not bought the Kingdom with his own money yet now wanted a whole lot more. The plan for another bloodless coup was abandoned. The Knights lay in wait to strike at the heart of the King and give to the people, that which is rightfully theirs.
Fast forward to the future
You all knew that already didn’t you? Well lets see what happened next. The Devil’s plans 2017 a year that would finally see the great empire of Manchester United finally break into a millions parts. According to the pact made by the King with the Devil (Hedge funds), if the loan was not repaid in time then the King would lose all control of the Kingdom. The Devil licked his lips in anticipation, he could now do what he wished with the Kingdom. The first thing the Devil did was banished the old King and his royal family out of the Kingdom of Manchester. The Devil looked at the devastation around him and surveyed the financial damage. The Devil realized that this once mighty kingdom still had potential to recover the money he was owed and much more. The Devil planned to sell the Colosseum called Old Trafford to…….. Manchester United of course.
The once owners of this mighty Colosseum would now rent it. The place where the Gladiators trained (Carrington), was to be sold as well. The Colosseum was to be named SheikhDoom after a rich man from the far east willing to put his name on it for the greater good of the Kingdom. Warriors and Gladiators (Players), declined the riches (sic), offered by the Devils new Kingdom, Merchants (Sponsors) stayed away too once they realised that the vultures had now gathered to split the riches of the Kingdom and in these uncertain times it would be best to keep away till there was peace and tranquility. Sir AF, the great war lord of the Kingdom of Manchester had now retired to his homeland of Scotland and vowed never to return.
The Kingdom’s faithful would always adore him but would have appreciated him speaking against the regime. His word would be enough ammunition they though because of the clout he held. The Devil proclaimed Sir Arry Taxnapp as the new Commander of the Armed forces. Gladiators like Sir Rooney, Sir Danny and the likes moved to pastures new and the kingdom was left to be guarded by mediocre fighters like Sir Bebe, knighted after his sterling role in helping the kingdom save relegation on the last day of war (season 2016-2017).
The day-to-day running of the Kingdom remained in the hands of the Noble David Gill who decided to stay with the devil and impart his wisdom and experience to help the Devil just like he helped the Royal Family of Glazers earlier. The people of the kingdom walked the land like zombies without a ray of hope in their hearts. The kingdom’s neighbors, the kingdom of Wastelands and the good people of the Kingdom of Always the Victims rejoiced in the decline of this one all-powerful kingdom.
Fighting the Devil
The underground movement was now taking shape, the Movement (MUST), the loyal subjects of the kingdom and the Red Knights sat at a round table to discuss the course of the future. Their aim: to beat the Devil and reclaim the kingdom. The Devil quoted his price, the price that would make the subjects the owners of the Kingdom. Pledges started coming from all over the world, the following of the Kingdom has now reached a billion followers all over the world. The underground movement met the Devil and presented its ideas. The Devil not accustomed to the rulings of the Kingdom of such magnitude and importance was more than willing to buy the ideas for the right price of course.
The Movement (MUST) recommended representation in the Kingdom’s Board. The right to build a fund to buy the Devil off and pay all debts owed. Showed the Devil the pledges of finance received from all over the world. The Devil was mighty impressed, Show me the money was a line the Devil lived by and the Movement was sure to get the money in place. Unlike the Wicked King the Devil had to accept the valuation as put forward by the Courts of land. Funds in place the Devil was bought, and with it the hopes of former glory and grandeur were once again booming.
The Kingdom was finally reclaimed in the year 2018, 13 years after the evil wicked King from the US of A first won it from the people of Manchester. The good people of the Movement and the kingdom’s loyal subjects now ruled the Kingdom in peace and harmony. Democracy rather than dictatorship became the norm. The Kingdom of Manchester was slowly but surely on its way to recovery.