A satirical look at how Fernando Llorente’s diary would read if he had written one during Euro 2012….

June 10, 2012.

So finally we are kicking off our Euro 2012 campaign against Italy. Everyone is excited about the game apart from Victor Valdes as he knows that he won’t get the chance to run from the goal to the center-circle to argue with the referee – something at which he is a master at.

I am looking forward to playing tonight. However, Fernando Torres’ presence gives me negative vibes. This guy shouldn’t have even been in the Euros, but that bald man with a goat-tail-like moustache thought otherwise.

June 11, 2012.

We drew against the Italians. I didn’t get the chance to play for even a single minute. To rub salt on my wounds, Cesc Fabregas started as a striker (not that Torres starting wouldn’t be like rubbing salt on my wound…that would’ve been a bigger insult). And to add more salt, VDB subbed in Torres instead of me. That blonde missed 2 clear chances that I could have scored even if my legs were tied to each other.

Victor Valdes came into my room. I thought he came to console me, but that idiot started talking about how cool he is with the ball at his feet and why he should be Spain’s number 1 ahead of Iker Casillas.

June 13, 2012.

Just came back from the final training ahead of the Ireland game. VDB gave some positive hints on me starting. All I can now hope is that that blonde-hair Torres doesn’t do some black magic and turn VDB’s head. Oh, Victor Valdes is coming to my room, I better pretend to be asleep or else he will once again start with his usual bullshit.

June 14, 2012.

Match-day. Not very excited, to be honest. VDB isn’t giving me that positive vibe which he was yesterday. Fernando Torres is trying hard to conceal that wicked smile with his blonde-hair. I am sure that he did something spooky. If only I could know.

June 15, 2012.

I was right. Blonde-hair Torres did some voodoo tricks on VDB….and on the Irish defenders. We won 4-0. I didn’t get to play. Torres scored twice. And he was subbed off Cesc Fabregas.

Yes, Cesc Fabregas.

ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME? CESC FABREGAS? I mean, yeah, Cesc scored a goal after being subbed in, but come on, I deserve some minute for f**k’s sake. I would have scored a hattrick, blindfolded, against this Irish thing which they apparently call ‘defense’.

It must be said, however, that the Irish fans were fantastic with their support to their team. 4-0 down but they still kept cheering. Reminded me of our fans in Bilbao. For a moment, I mistook the Irish team as Athletic Club playing away from home (those green kits and the fans, you see) and almost went to their dugout until my eyes fell on Xabi Alonso’s awesome beard and that brought me back to my senses.

June 18, 2012.

We play against Croatia tonight. Lots of talk about a ‘biscotto’ (Spain and Croatia fixing a 2-2 result so that Italy will be eliminated), but I don’t give a shit about it. All I am thinking about is how to convince VDB to let me play, especially after Torres scored a brace the other day.

The optimist in me tells me that I may start tonight because we play in our blue away kits and Fernando Torres can’t score, even on the bed, when he is wearing something blue (perhaps John Terry took away that power from him).

Mata came into my room looking gloomy. I asked him what happened and he hugged me and started weeping, putting all the tears from his eyes and the mucus from his nose on my beautiful ‘Why Always Me?’ Fernando Llorente-edition T-shirt.

He is suffering from the same fate as me. But at least he has my shoulder to cry on, unlike me as all my team-mates are so shorter than me that I will have to bend 45 degrees to cry on their shoulder which will hurt my back and I don’t want to injure myself and completely ruin my chances of playing. (Yeah, Pique is of the same height as me, but which man, in the right mind, after seeing that Zlatan-Pique picture, would want to cry on Pique’s shoulder?)

June 19, 2012.

I didn’t start. Torres did. The score was 0-0. We needed a goal to get some breathing space. Torres couldn’t score. I was already warming up in my mind because VDB didn’t ask me to warm-up, but I thought that I might get subbed in somehow.

I wasn’t. Navas was. And then Cesc was. But not me.

Yes, we won 1-0 after Navas scored from 3 yards out in an open goal after Iniesta assisted him. Yes, Cesc made that brilliant lob pass to Iniesta. But that doesn’t change the fact that I deserved to get a chance.

When Cesc was getting subbed in, I wanted the ground to open up and consume me – such was my embarrassment.

Anyways, I am off to shopping mall to buy things which would make my hurt-heart feel good. Ooooo… I see a hot girl from the window. Time to dress up well and make Polish girls go crazy for me.

June 23, 2012.

Quarter final match against the French tonight. Scored 4 goals in training yesterday. If I don’t start tonight, I would be sure as hell that VDB isn’t starting me for non-Footballing reasons.

Now it is time for a nap to relax myself before the game, but I don’t feel sleepy. So I will be going to Xavi’s room, lie on his bed and ask him to give me a speech on Football. Just letting you guys know: apart from playing Football and being humble, Xavi also cures insomnia by giving speeches on what is Football and how it should be played, which brings sleep to one’s eyes instantly.


June 24, 2012.

We are in the semi-final! We won 2-0 against France. I didn’t play, as usual. You might be thinking why I used the exclamation mark after writing ‘we are in the semi-final’. Well, I don’t want you guys to think that I am selfish and just put myself before the team, so I wanted to show you guys that I am happy that we reached the semis and thus used that exclamation mark.

But, yeah; I am disappointed at not being allowed to play for a single minute. I think VDB is just jealous of my good-looks and large female fan-base. What does that old man know about having the good looks like I do? What does that old man know about being the prince-charming, the dream-man and the poster-boy of a girl? Nothing.

Sometimes, actually most of the time, I think that I should have entered the Mr. World contest instead of joining the Spain NT at the Euros. At least, I could have showed off something and probably even won that competition.

Meanwhile, Pedro was ecstatic because he finally got to play. That little brat was bragging about it all morning. However, Javi – who watched a lot of Family Guy episodes during his free time in Poland & Ukraine (which, as you may assume, was a lot) – shut him up by asking him, ‘hey, what’s that thing under your nose? Horse vag**a?’

We all laughed. At the expense of Pedro’s ‘moustache’. But not Mata, who once again came into my room and wept ferociously on my shoulder. That’s two T-shirts of mine ruined because of Mata’s tears and mucus.

June 27, 2012.

Semi-final clash tonight against Portugal - the team whose defense I owned at the 2010 World Cup. Here’s hoping VDB remembers that match and puts me in the starting XI tonight.

Meanwhile, I called Raul to wish him a happy birthday. That man is cool. I don’t know why he is not here with us in Euro 2012 instead of that overrated Torres. But then again, this is VDB and his brain has some of the weirdest ideas you will ever see. And it almost always works, that’s why no-one can blame him.

                                                                   I seriously owned them

June 28, 2012.

We are in the final! (Don’t ask me again why I used the exclamation mark, I have already stated the reason.) We couldn’t score for 120 minutes, but VDB still didn’t play me. In fact, he started with Negredo and he was as useful as a knife is when it is used for digging a 20m square hole in a ground.

And then VDB subbed off Negredo for Cesc. Cesc as a striker with Pedro and Navas on the flanks. 2 pacy wingers and no real strikers. I was thinking to myself at that time, ‘did I actually unintentionally tease or make a dirty comment on VDB’s daughter and that’s why he doesn’t give me playing time?’

Anyways, you might have noticed on the TV that I was whispering something into Sergio Ramos’ ear before the shoot-outs. I actually told him to do the Panenka because the last time he shot a penalty, against Bayern, the ball went and hit the moon which changed the dynamics of the Universe resulting in thunderstorms in Ukraine and an awesomely-named place in Bangladesh, ‘Chittagong’.

Honestly, though, I was secretly loling when Ramos was about to take the penalty because a part of me thought that he’d put his Panenka attempt over the bar giving birth to more memes.

A lot of newspapers are questioning Cristiano’s leadership and blaming him for Portugal’s exit because he (or may be Bento) decided that he should take the ultimate fifth penalty which never came as the game ended before he could take it. Now I know the reason why VDB doesn’t play me, it is all Cristiano’s fault – he is the reason why I haven’t got to play a single minute in this Euro so far.

June 30, 2012.

Just came back from the last training with Spain in Euro 2012.

Victor Valdes came running into my room before the training. I asked him, ‘what happened?’ He replied, ‘look,’ showing me his mobile, ‘El Mundo Deportivo labeled Mario Balotelli as a former Barca player.’

I, confused, asked him, ‘so?’ He replied, ‘just goes to show the power of former Barca players, he scored twice against the mighty Germans’. He continued, ‘also look at how generous Catalan papers are, labeling Mario our former player when he was there for only 4 days – we Catalans have a huge heart’.

I knew what was coming next, so I ran off to the bathroom holding my stomach and telling him it’s an emergency. I sat inside the bathroom till it was time for the training session. When I came out, I found Valdes still sitting there, waiting for me. We sped off to the training together with him blabbering all the way.

I am not sure why he always comes only to me when he has to say something stupid. I am not sure why Mata always comes only to me when he has to weep. I am not sure why it is only me who hasn’t played a single minute amongst the 3 strikers in the Spanish camp.

Why always me? Going to wear my version of the T-shirt now and go to sleep.

July 1, 2012.

So tonight is the final. The game for which we have been working for the last 2 years. I am sure that VDB won’t play me; I have just given up that hope. Now I am only looking at the positives of this tour of Poland and Ukraine.

Well, the only thing I can take as a positive is the free trip to Poland and Ukraine and watching hot chics from different countries. Oh, and also giving Sergio Ramos the advice of doing the Panenka.

Reina was looking a bit mischievous today. The last time I saw that mischievous look on Reina’s face was right after we won the 2010 World Cup, when he planned that he’d put a Barca jersey on Cesc. I think I should warn Jordi Alba. Oh, wait…he has already signed for Barca. Not giving any warnings, then.

Disclaimer: This whole article is a pure work of imagine and nothing like this, in fact, has/may not be written by Fernando Llorente himself.