The benefits of being a top footballer are obvious; the money, the fast cars and the women. However, we can’t all look like David Beckham and some stars are fortunate that money talks in the modern world. Indeed, Peter Crouch readily acknowledges this when he was asked what he’d be if not a professional footballer. His reply? A virgin. Although Abbey Clancy may have seen past his rodent-like face and awkward 6ft 7 frame, some are not so lucky. Here are ten players that makes Susan Boyle look like an Adonis:
1. Luke Chadwick
Although he broke into the Manchester United first team at an early age, things haven’t quite gone according to plan since then.
Plying his trade in League 1 with MK Dons shows disappointing career progression, though Chadwick may be more disappointed in the fact he is yet to shed that horrendous teenage acne. A set of teeth to terrify any dentist, Luke joins Ronaldo and Beckham in being remembered for their looks in a United shirt. At the wrong end of the scale.
2. Steve Bruce
I always like Sunderland to win. That way, when watching Match of the Day on a Saturday, Brucey looks happy. Because he is one seriously scary looking man when he’s angry. With a face that looks like it’s been hit for a few home runs in it’s time, it offers testament to Steve’s fantastic rugged style of defending back in his heyday. At least that’s his excuse for having the only nose in England more bent than Mike Tindall’s.
3. Iain Dowie
Another centre-back turned manager, Dowie scared the living daylights of any opponents facing him. And all he had to do was stare at them. Rumour has it, the directors of Shrek based their early cartoon drawings of the giant ogre on the former Northern Ireland star but rejected the original prototypes, believing the result was too scary for a children’s film. His regular appearances as a Sky Sports pundit are a pity, because everybody in football agrees he has the perfect face for radio.
4. Rio Ferdinand
Legend for club and country, Rio could be a world beater in another activity, gurning. Aside from the pain of having to watch Manchester United pick up trophy after trophy, one of the worst parts is watching Ferdinand celebrate these successes, pulling a series of faces that Rowan Atkinson would be proud of. Just smile instead, it wont hurt you Rio.
5. Carlos Tevez
Although Tevez’s unfortunate looks were caused by an accident, he was scalded with burning water as a child; his recent behaviour has left me with no sympathy for his plight. The large scar on his neck is coupled with gnashers that are normally reserved for stereotypes of the British, and his hair often looks like someone dropped a tub of axle grease on it. Oh, and he bears more than a slight resemblance to Ugly Betty.
The Brazilian maverick was the world’s best player by a considerable distance not-so-long ago. His flamboyant skills often prompted a cheeky grin from the Samba magician, a grin that regrettably unleashed the beast. Or beasts. Bugs Bunny would be proud of what lurked in Ronaldinho’s mouth, indeed the only thing missing between the cartoon rabbit and the former Barca star is the carrot dangling from the fangs.
7. Joleon Lescott
Manchester City may have splashed out a cool £24million to sign him from Everton, but that’s roughly the figure the England international would have to spent on plastic surgery to correct his unfortunate face. The result of a tragic car accident whilst at school, it left him with a series of scars upon his forehead and a receding hairline that even Shane Warne’s magic powder couldn’t fix. Oh, and his head is shaped like a mangled pineapple.
8. Martin Keown
Arsenal’s famous back four had some serious candidates for this list, indeed none of Dixon,Adams or Winterburn would turn any heads on a night out. But poor old Martin looks like a cross between the Elephant Man and someone from the Stone Age. Sporting a granite chin and a hairdo that looks like remarkably like a pubic wig, Ruud Van Nistelrooy must have been bloody terrified when Keown screamed in his face. Can’t imagine his breath was too pleasant either.
9. Gary/Phil Neville
As revenge for having the stupidest name in the world, Neville Neville was given two of the ugliest sons on the planet. Look up gormless in the dictionary and Gary’s face stares back at you. He’s lucky though; poor Phil looks remarkably like Luke Chadwick. I have to say it is a relief to watch England without seeing two mutant rodent lookalikes patrolling the flanks, and I haven’t even started on their defending abilities yet. Sister Tracey also makes the equivalent list for netball.
10. Davie Dodds
A name you may not have heard of, but the ugly stick sure has. The famous stick hit Dodds so hard it must have snapped in two. A solid career for Dundee United in the 1970’s is not enough to make up for a solid life of looking like Frankenstein. He’s also Scottish. Some people have all the luck…