Does it really matter to you what footballers do off the field?

Footballers are rewarded with enormous and undeserving sums of money. It's strange and demented, but that's the way it is. So, when it comes out in some tabloid rag that one of these footballers hasn’t lived up to his previously thought Saint Agnes of Rome persona, the public are furious. Why’s that? These racist philandering athletes are role models to our children aren’t they? Remember that time Wayne Rooney swore into the camera during a live televised football match, and the world briefly reacted as though he'd burst into a toddler's birthday party and brutally molested a duckling? The general consensus back then was he was setting a bad example to the horrified kiddywinks out there who had never heard such language in their short and tender little lives. No. If your children were thereafter running around shouting obscenities into camera lenses, then I’m afraid you’ve failed as a parent. If you believe your children’s worldview is in the hands of a few selected men with very well co-ordinated feet, then you are insane.

If we're really being honest with ourselves, I highly doubt anyone is as indignant as they pretend to be about footballers like Ryan Giggs’ behaviour for example. Surely those who pretend to be outraged by these affairs are inwardly thankful for the entertainment value and opportunity to express outrage it presents them. This no doubt brightens up their otherwise depressingly boring lives. It gives them an excuse to ring up Talkturd FM and lament these unfaithful beasts. It didn’t shock them to the core; not one bit. Nobody really cares what footballers get up to off the pitch - but if papers constantly report minute-by-minute accounts of their infidelities some people will inevitably begin to think it's rather important. It’s not.

A lot of people subscribe to the view that if these footballers are being paid so much money, then you should be given some sort of responsibility to ‘the children’. The very same people usually regurgitate dross such as “he should be scoring every week with the money he’s on” and my personal favourite “everyone in the army should be on a footballer’s wage”. Money isn’t a substitute for the laws of physics. Nor is exemplarity a commodity than can be bought and sold. There are a few positives about overpaid footballers. At least, generally, you can't get away with being a really crap footballer and get paid huge amounts of money. Unlike bankers for example.

If you were 21 years of age and on £50,000+ a week then wouldn’t you also exist in a bizarre dimension of banknotes, cocaine and blowjobs? I certainly would. Actually, wannabe gobshite sports columnists should be on footballers wages. No really, they deserve it. Athletes owe us nothing other than to excel at what they do. If they happen to be nice guys then so much the better, but it’s a bonus, not a reasonable expectation. People have worshipped cats, cows and men with white beards; at least footballers come and go so that it's only temporary. The only way footballers can be classed as role models is that they roll around with models. That’s it. There’s actually no good reason to idolise anyone, is there?