A – Al-Ahli. The club Pep played with towards the end of his career. Could he feel this would be a nice footballing back water to chill out in until he wants to re-enter the mainstream?
B – Beard. With managers getting cooler, Pep’s beard-ability separated him from the rest. Fuller than Mourinho’s patchy pre-pubescent efforts, but not overbearing like Mike Bassett’s porn star look, Guardiola found the perfect grade on his trimmer.
C – Champions League. Two wins in three seasons and so close to becoming the first man to retain the trophy as manager, Pep has taken going out at the semi-final stage pretty hard.
D – Deco. Pep stamped his authority at Barcelona by getting rid of their ageing stars, including Deco and Ronaldinho
E – Everton. Redknapp to England, Moyes, to Tottenham, Pep to Everton. You heard it here first
F – Ferguson. Bested Sir Alex in two Champions League finals, which for many fans will make him a hero. Old Baconface has never looked more despondent after a loss.
G – Gadaffi. No, not an evil dictator – well not evil at least. Pep is a bit of a ringer for the Colonel’s second son, Saif
H – Holiday. Set for a good few months off, which destinations might tickle his fancy? Magaluf, Mumbai, Morecambe? The possibilities are endless.
I – Iniesta. Scorer of the dramatic late goal that broke Chelsea hearts in 2008 and sent them Pep on his way to his first Champions League as manager. Tuesday night was payback for the Blues.
J – Jose Mourinho. The protagonist in the love story that is winning and Pep, Mourinho has made it his personal crusade to steal the trophies that Guardiola so coveted, and it looks like he will succeed. Like Hugh Grant to his Colin Firth in Bridget Jones, but a better actor with a smaller ego
K – King. Any Liverpool fans who want to know how a returning legend should perform – this is it.
L – La Liga. 3 titles in a row, Pep has seemingly had an iron grip on La Liga. However, it seems that Real will be taking that crown this season – something Guardiola can’t stomach
M – Messi. Pep’s favourite (well how couldn’t he be?), it is unlikely that the manager could have achieved so much without him. Guardiola’s next choice of club could persuade the Argentine to take his show on the road. Pep and Leo could become one of the great partnerships in history, a footballing version of Steptoe and son, Joey and Chandler or Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley
N – Nou Camp. Pep has won 86% of home league games. Christ
O – (sc)Orgasm. The noise which sealed Pep’s fate. Fernando Torres broke, and it hit the right spot with Gary Neville. Not a dry eye/seat in the house
P – Pep. Wasn’t his name Josep on Championship Manager 1998-99?
Q – Qatar. Helping raise the awareness of Qatar around Europe, via his club’s shirt. Unicef be damned!
R – Real Madrid. The defining rivalry of his time at Barca, and the reason for the greying of what is left of his hair. Madrid look to have done enough to take La Liga from Pep and his Barca players
S – School jumpers. Single-handedly making the school uniform look cool, Guardiola’s sleek build perfectly complimented his v-neck-shirt-tie combo. Imagine Big Sam trying the same? Actually don’t, you will ruin your day.
T – Tika taka tactics. Pass, pass, pass, pass…pass. Pep insisted upon near perfection and almost got it. Also helped Frank Lampard shed 5kg over the last two weeks due to constant running.
U – Under-achieved. Yeah, I said it. With that group of players, to fail to win either La Liga or the Champions League this season is an abject failure. He should have been sacked, not allowed to walk…no better than Les Reed.
V – Villareal. Beat Madrid to hand Pep his first La Liga title. So if you are bored of Barca, blame the Yello Submarine.
W – Women. The ladies fawning over football managers is now becoming acceptable. Mourinho started it, Avram Grant did his best to put them off, and now Pep has them wrapped up all over again
X – X button. It is rumoured that Pep removed all other buttons from his players PlayStation controllers. Would explain a few things.
Y – Year off. What will Pep do during his sabbatical? Write his memoirs, appear on I’m a Celebrity, become Johan Cruyff’s butler? The world is his oyster.
Z – Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Never really fitted in with Pep’s master plan at Barca. Won the European Cup together, but stuck out like a saw thumb among the Borrower sized geniuses pulling the strings. Too ugly to play for Pep anyway.