Haven't been able to get Gary Speed out of my mind all day. The more I think about it the more I fall to bits. I am not a particularly emotional person, I dont think Ive ever cried at a film, and where I have been moved by stories of tragedies before, the news today has just hit me and yet he is a man Ive never met in person.
I saw him on the pitch a few times, and I was there for his first ever game as a manager when Middlesbrough played his Sheffield United side back in 2009. He has always come across as the most genuine, nice, friendly man you could ever meet. Who was one of the best players around, his work on the pitch was very much that of an unsung hero, the ever reliable gary speed. A man who despite playing for both of my clubs biggest rivals, I have so much respect for. And when I got out of work today and looked at my phone, it was one of those moments of pure disbelief.
This has got me thinking about the nature of his death; suicide. How bad do things have to be for a man to hang himself. The thought process and everything about it just scramble my brain. A man who is loved by millions, had the greatest job on earth, he currently managed his national football team and had the future ahead of him as he developed Wales into a great force. He has two children and a wife too.
He was on live TV yesterday, as a guest on Football Focus on bbc. Where apparently he was absolutely fine, the presenter has been interviewed today and sounded like death as he was almost blaming himself for not raising awareness of Gary's issues. But there was not a single minescule sign that he has problems, he was larger than life he described him. He was planning golf trips with the crew and talking about the future of Wales as a footballing nation. Which makes the whole thing even more baffling, just goes to show how people who have problems far greater than anyone could ever imagine can put on a brave face and pretend like nothing is wrong.
But this gets my onto the suicide part again, which is the thing which has been haunting me. Just the more I think of the little details the more it messes with my mind. How bad do things need to be for a man to decide in his mind that he wants to take his own life, leaving behind all that he has, kids, wife, friends. The reports say that he was found hanging in his room this morning. How can a man make a nous for himself, little things like this make my spine tingle.
I really needed to get this off my chest, been thinking of him all day. Cannot believe he has gone. RIP Gary Speed a true legend not only to football. He will forever be in my mind.