Sorry for late post Eds - I've been down the pub talking to sources and it cost me a fortune. Receipts for expenses in the post. I miss hacking

The campaign to Free Carlos Tevez™ is ongoing despite the media attempts to suppress the truth of his innocence. He is too upset to talk to the media at this time and has been in contact with Personal Injury Lawyers to see if he has a case. 

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The Curse of the Ex

I think my joke at Louis Saha's expense or rather the injury expenses we passed on to Manchester United and Everton when we sold him, backfired on me. I haven’t ruled out a possible Archie Lietch connection but it's far more likely that David Moyes and Alex Ferguson are out to get me. I mean they haven't exactly denied it. A good conspiracy also takes the blame out of a defeat for the faithful and if anything increases devotion.

At former fortress Craven Cottage, Fulham fans saw a glint of rapture amidst the carnage of one of the misses of the season and our last minute defending, which considering our current league position is a bit like a politician saying he can see the green shoots of economic recovery every time he spots a discarded sweet wrapper. However the delicate, caressing touch of Bryan Ruiz as he floated that ball into the net is the mantra we keep repeating to ourselves and I am praying there is more where it came from

Football Speak's own Tom Todhunter on Ruiz

 

Fulham have of course bought costly forwards before; Steve Marlet, who scored for Arsenal, came in at a then very hefty £11.5m (excluding court costs) back in 2001. Andy ‘sick note’ Johnson who scored a hat trick against QPR cost £10.5m in 2008. Fulham have also imported a ‘special’ from European League opponents FC Twente before, the backwards named Collins John (c.£0.6m) who was never a patch on John Collins. However, despite the omens and the price tag, this time I still believe 

It’s a Conspiracy

It has been a long wait for QPR but at the first time of asking in the top flight they beat nine man Chelski. ‘YOU RRRRRRR'SSSSSSS’ and ‘Wooooooooohooooooooo!’ were about the only two things my mate Smiffy said at the time that are printable. Which is quite ironic, as ‘family friendly’ media outlets that demand respect on the pitch, in the stadiums and on the streets were busy showing snuff films. Smiffy had been inconsolable upon hearing of his fallen hero days before and told me the sky turned red in mourning and was unrelated to any natural phenomenon he could think of.

Liverpool and Arsenal fans took comfort and joy in Chelski losing, although no way near as much as large swathes of West London. The news earlier in the day that the Red Devils had been defeated (okay thrashed) was in itself a possible sign of things to come. The completely innocent Carlos Tevez can testify to his persecution at the hands of yet another northern menace looking down on the rest of us.

An Artists impression of Tevez training by hinself in his Northern prison

 

It's from the Tevez incident, some truly appalling decisions and a lifetime of watching players trying to follow Vinny Jones into an acting career, that I know conspiracy is a vital part of the game. Which is exactly what I found when I checked Twitter which was blue with Chelski twits cursing the referee. Some sources even spoke of legal moves to sue Royal Mail because man of the match Chris Foy didn't get his cheque in time. A cabal of South East Asian betting syndicates and members of the Rooney family could not be ruled out, although to be fair Smiffy is the only one ruling them in. 

It was because of the marvels of modern technology that Chelski boss Villas-Boas was able to apparate before his followers and join them in throwing smoke bombs to distract everyone at the post match interview: 

"I spoke to [the referee] at the end and I was very aggressive to him. I don't care if he's OK or not."

The referee is also a human being, but most fans, Chelsea or otherwise, cheer this behaviour, if not inwardly because they aren't going to pay the fines which would be a yearly wage to most of us. It's the problem with blindly supporting your tribal leaders and I'm sure it's caused a war or three. Even though things get lost or forgotten in translation, which I know from trying to talk to Smiffy after a few too many, there is always reshpehct.

This was unbecoming of Villas-Boas as he went on to cement his devotion by the faithful by speaking of higher powers conspiring against him whilst invoking the spirit of the Special One who is gone but not forgotten:

"Conspiracy theories can lead to bans and lead to you calling us cry babies, and we're not. But it keeps happening."

The Special One?

 

It looks like a conspiracy, smells like a conspiracy and tastes like a conspiracy. But it's not. More importantly did Villas-Boas, in a manna from heaven moment, just invite us to call Chelski cry-babies and are the FA going to haul him into their office on a trumped up charge just to see him cry?

News then came in from my sources about soon to be former England captain John Terry. As a football agent revealed:

I decided to investigate and even watched video of the incident on YouTube several times. Afterwards, I felt like I’d been tackled by Wisla Krakow especially during the slow mo bits. After discussing the possibilities with Smiffy, I came to the conclusion Terry was repeating Joey Barton's Philosophical Sledging™:

Kant "it always remains a scandal of philosophy and universal human reason that the existence of things outside us ... should have to be assumed merely on faith, and that if it occurs to anyone to doubt it, we should be unable to answer him with a satisfactory proof."

I also think Villas-Boas was trying to get in on Joey’s Philosophical Sledging™ when he said this mind bender: 

"I find it strange when people don't trust the words of a representative from your country."

Villas-Boas is relatively new to this, so I had a look at the statement John Terry released:

"I'm disappointed that people have leapt to the wrong conclusions about the context of what I was seen to be saying to Anton Ferdinand."

I had to read it a few times to understand it and although the words appear to be in the right order I still don't know what he means. This could be Terry's attempt at philosophical Zen from in response to Barton and I know for a fact that Panda's have a lot to do with Zen and Love: 

Did Smiffy mention the score? 

 

DISCLAIMER: I have no real opinion on this incident yet. John Terry is innocent until proven otherwise and the allegations are just that at the time of writing. His defense is not impossible as QPR showed. Anything you read or see is an opinion, only I've thrown a load of jokes in amongst the fiction. Journalists don’t intentionally write comedy although I have been in awe of their skills for years especially when England play. However, in fairness to John Terry I am offering an interview so I can ask him personally ‘asssphinctersayswhat?’