The A to Z of Carlos Tevez

A is for attitude. Whether it’s throwing a hissy-fit when he gets subbed off for a fellow professional or just flat-out refusing to work for his employer, Tevez’s attitude is always absolutely flawless. He’s the perfect role-model to children everywhere.

B is for billboard. Welcome to Manchester.

C is for Corinthians. They made a big-money offer for Carlos Tevez in summer, before retracting it when they realised they’d actually have to pay the amount of money they’d offered.

D is for ‘doing a Tevez’. If you ever feel like a day off work, just call in and say “sorry, I’m doing a Tevez today.” Assuming every business is run the same as Man City, you’ll probably receive a £250,000 bonus. You can thank me later.

E is for expensive. Several clubs were keen to take an unhappy Carlos Tevez away from Man City over the summer, but they were all knocked back by his price-tag. On one hand, I see why City asked for so much – if Torres is worth £50million, why shouldn’t Tevez be too? On the other hand, I don’t see why they didn’t just take what they could get for an unhappy player and be satisfied.

F is for free-loader. Tevez is willing to take his pay-cheque, but he isn’t willing to earn it. Sickening.

G is for goalscorer. When Tevez is on form there are few strikers in the world capable of scoring goals more frequently or more skilfully. A real joy to watch at times.

H is for Hammer. West Ham fans still love Carlos Tevez for saving them from relegation with the only goal in a 1-0 win over Man Utd.

I is for iron. What God used to forge Tevez’s face.

J is for Joorabchian. One of the most hated men in football. He isn’t even licensed to represent footballers, but still manages to worm his way into the picture through extremely questionable third-party ownership deals. He has been Carlos Tevez’s ‘advisor’ for several years.

K is for Kun Aguero. If you’re losing one skilful, pacey, hardworking, goalscoring, Argentinian striker who has been compared to Diego Maradona – you just buy a new one. Simple.

L is for loan moves. Since Mancini stated Tevez will never play for Man City again, several crazy loan moves have been proposed. A return to West Ham has been mentioned, as well as a bid from Limavady FC – a second tier Northern Irish club. Personally, I’d love to see either of them happen…

M is for Manchester. It’s Tevez’s life-long dream to play for every club in Manchester. 2 down, 61 to go.

N is for Neanderthal. The resemblance is uncanny.

O is for obedient. Carlos Tevez always does exactly what he’s told with no fuss. “You want me to play, boss? Okay! Anything for you! I’m just glad I can help the team in any way possible!” (see ‘P’ for a follow up)

P is for petulant. “You want me to play, boss? No thanks. If you’re not going to play me from the start, I’m not interested. This team revolves around me and nobody, not even my employer, can tell me what to do!”

Q is for “que?”. Spanish for “what?”, this is Tevez’s response to anything his team-mates say to him, given that he’s never actually bothered to learn English. It’s okay Carlos, you’ve only been here since 2006…

R is for relatives. He loves to talk about his family. Even though they’re now living in Manchester, Tevez still insists he wants to move closer to them.

S is for starving. There’s nowhere to eat in Manchester as they haven’t discovered restaurants yet. This reportedly once led Tevez to have a barbeque inside his rented house. It goes without saying that some redecorating work had to be done afterwards.

T is for Tony Montana. I thought this was the most socially acceptable way of mentioning Tevez’s scars.

U is for understanding - or, more fittingly, the lack of it. Tevez blamed “misunderstanding” and “confusion on the bench” for his refusal to play for Man City against Bayern Munich.

V is for vendetta. Leaving Man Utd for Man City is never going to go down too well, is it?

W is for Warnock. Neil Warnock is Carlos Tevez’s number one fan. A few days ago he was quoted as saying “the sooner he leaves the country, the better. Within a few months he’ll be kissing another badge.”

X is for XXXXXXL. The size of Carlos Tevez’s ego.

Y is for yawn. Tevez is unhappy at another club? Yawn, next story please…

Z is for (hero to) zero. Last season Tevez was a Man City idol, playing amazing football and finishing as the Premier League’s joint top scorer. This season most City fans want his head on a pike.