A lighthearted, factual and satirical A to Z of Fernando Torres.


A is for Abramovich. The comedy genius who made all of this possible. Oh, wait. It wasn’t supposed to go like this? He owns Chelsea? Awkward…

B is for business. Excellent business, to be exact. Liverpool received £50million for Torres and bought Suarez to replace him for less than half of that price. Whether you love Liverpool or hate them, it’s hard to deny the brilliance of that deal.

C is for confidence. Some say this is all he needs before he starts scoring for fun again, some say it’s much worse than that at this point. It’s obvious he’s lacking confidence in front of goal if you ask me, but that certainly isn’t the only problem.

D is for denial. If I had £1 for every time I’ve heard “he’ll come good. Just wait. He’ll score a few in the next game. He’s worth the £50million.” I’d have… well… around £20. That’s not the point, though…

E is for Emile Heskey. When your goalscoring record is being compared to his, you know things aren’t going well…

F is for Fernando Torres. A few years ago he was regarded as one of the best strikers in the world – now he isn’t even the best Fernando Torres in the world. (Fernando Llorente Torres from Athletic Bilbao, if you’re wondering.)

G is for goals. Torres has 2 of these in 24 league games for Chelsea, giving him an average of 1 per 12 games. It also means, as things stand, Chelsea have paid £25million per goal…

H is for “How the f**k did he miss that?!” - A phrase of choice amongst Chelsea fans almost every time Torres has a shot.

I is for Iscariot. Judas Iscariot, that is... The disciple who famously betrayed Jesus in the bible. Many Liverpool fans adopted this name for Torres after he left Anfield.

J is for jokes. Even though most of them are the same old recycled Emile Heskey jokes, you’ve got to love them. My personal favourite has to be “Some call Wayne Rooney the ‘white Pele’ – by that logic is Fernando Torres the ‘white Heskey’?” – if you have any jokes, please leave them in the comments section!

K is for Kop. Torres shouldn’t have left Liverpool. The fans adored him and he was well on the way to being a club legend.

L is for locks. Torres’ hairstyle - complete with headband - has been the centre-piece of several of the jokes I mentioned in ‘J’.

M is for miss of the century.

N is for national team. Torres used to be a regular for Spain, but his form has cost him his place. He was dropped from the last squad and doesn’t look to be regaining his place any time soon with players like Llorente and Soldado playing as well as they are.

O is for open net. No explanation needed.

P is for pounds. Chelsea spent 50,000,000 of them on Torres. See ‘R’ for a follow-up.

Q is for quick. Torres was once thought of as one of the paciest players in the Premier League. Since joining Chelsea he has looked a yard off the pace in most games. There have also been questions over his fitness.

R is for receipt. I hope Roman Abramovich kept his…

S is for substitute. Torres has been dropped several times, but surely pressure from the Chelsea hierarchy will keep him in the team in the long-term. I don’t see a £50million investment being left to rot on the bench.

T is for tirade. Torres hit out at his Chelsea team-mates in the media (before saying the meaning of what he said was ‘lost in translation’) claiming they were to blame for his form. He said their players are “too old and slow”. He’s looking at you, Frank…

U is for unbelievable. I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but some of the chances Torres has missed lately have been literally unbelievable. You’d bet on your nan to tuck at least half of them away.

V is for value for money. This is one thing Fernando Torres certainly does not represent.

W is for world class. Torres was once commonly known as this. Now, not so much. People say “form is temporary, class is permanent” – I guess only time will tell…

X is for X chromosomes. According to most Liverpool fans, Fernando Torres has two of these.

Y is for years. It’s going to be several of these before we see a miss worst than his attempt at Old Trafford.

Z is for Z. The row in which most of Torres’ stray shots end up…